Don't you ever feel that German kind of angst, or dread, maybe you'll never get to finally live. you live day to day, but have you lived, have you been the person you intended to be? These people perhaps bring up these torments with the intensity of their feelings, they show us something burning inside ourselves that rarely finds any release.
Most of these artists have since stolen themselves from us, either through suicide or withdrawal from the edge that they so painfully rode.
These are mostly external links, but i'm working on it
Montgomery Clift, especially the second half of his career
Throwing Muses/Kristin Hersh, especially early
Iggy & the Stooges
Andrei Tarkovsky
director of the film Stalker
Vincent van Gogh, especially his later landscapes at Auvers
Fyodor Dostoyevsky, especially as translated by David Magarshack
Georges Bataille- Dirty was drunk.
Nick Drake
the Hal Hartley films--surviving desire, amateur, trust
Henry Miller
Marlon Brando, when he was what he could be
James Dean--the substance worshipped as style
Ian Curtis, whose music is almost too painful to listen to
Pina Bausch, come dance with me!
Willem de Kooning
how do you differentiate between living and not living, between different people who have reached us in different ways. all i know is that when i am at work i never feel very much alive, very much a part of anything i want to be a part of. i always feel like i'm living in an empty skin, living a shadow of a life. i would rather have my nightmares where i am chased and afraid, but never killed, i live in fear, but am not destroyed. no, i destroy myself by living this way, afraid that life will destroy me if i only earn minimum wage, if i have no nice things to make me feel good. maybe that's a big part of it too, perhaps every little happiness is so fleeting that we NEED fancy cars, houses, and all that money to anesthetize ourselves. like drugs or alcohol, like how desperate clubbing is. we try everything but dealing directly with our loneliness because we know how brutally dull it is. how unpleasant it is to be near someone who is so unhappy. i have been that person with the broken record of how everything is bs, relationships are so empty. i have felt how dull these words hang in the air. how inane lonliness is.
