i want to be fifty people not just one. i want to live many lives. i want to start over, fresh, have another chance. could i have another chance from here? do what? make life what? throw my life into chance. a loser is one who gets lost. let's get lost. losing is fine. losing is fine in the flow of life. maintain health. get by. keep moving. move remember to move or you will turn to stone. this day never has to end but for sanity. do not give in your life. rage rage against what your life is supposed to become. i'm not reproducing so i have no particular responsibility. i'm the end of my line, the line of me. the buck stops here. fuck the buck. we are not allowed to live. we do not allow ourselves. and if we try it galls others. i know because it galls me. why aren't the many things keeping me in check keeping them in check. i am utterly in check. i want to be utterly loose. out of control. i am losing. i am sitting in my underwear on a friday night past midnite having done nothing in particular. i have lived a life of nothing in particular. life, what the hell is it? it sounds like so much or like it could be so much. we all take drugs because we want to turn life up a notch or twelve, or let ourselves go, let ourselves loose. let ourselves lose. losing isn't so bad, losing is good because you have nothing to lose. you have nothing really nothing. words drip needlessly from all our lips, pens, and word processors. we pretend import, we want import. they are just life impulses. pulse is bloodflow. life is just fucking in motion. life is just god never wanting to stop fucking. we cannot stop fucking, not even the grass. consider the lilies, they are fucking. we are farm animals with stone tools and a thirst for blood and fucking. i cannot overcome my impulses. analyze your impulses and that is all they are. god is fear, love is fucking, food is shit, and everything in between is work, killing, and killing time. we entertain ourselves and each other to try to get some relief from this experience and to help us be less afraid and help us. love equals sadness plus fear plus fucking. it is possible to be tired of almost everything and then you go to sleep and start over. how much can you take? some people kill themselves to be allowed to stop. we have made up society and civilization and rules and stupid, uncomfortable clothes. life is dehumanizing, that is we are in the process of removing humans from life. we are cannibals, we genocide ourselves and everything else. whoever made up work should be killed. they make us meat on sticks. my job consists of shitting in my pants on cue. i am made to smear shit on myself or they beat my head to a bloody pulp. everyone wants to go to jail except for the rape and murder. it is the only place free from everything else. everything is bullshit. we live in fortresses of bullshit sending out warships of bullshit to due battle with armies smeared with the excrement of evil corporations. all hail the king of fucking. king god monkey fuck. we have pride in our people. we kill for freedom. we are free to fear, free to work, free to shit ourselves. we are fecal and feral in suits and the british still do it with a queen and white wigs. i want so much. some times i get sick of wanting so much. we are all trees falling alone in the forest. we scream but no one hears a sound. we always forget that we are all going through this. we are going through this together yet we still hurt each other and think we are alone. i am alone in my house when i want to be naked in public and fucking like the end of the world. stop making me do stupid things for money. let me stop. we have the keys to fail and a tank full of bloody gas. start the car and cry yourself to sleep. stop. re-enter. you are a mere fuck machine caught in the life impulse but there are things that are still possible. i saw the best minds of my generation pumping gas and sad. we must put our fears to better use. we got the blueprints wrong and lived lies. tears of bad men set fire to the whole world. we are one nation of don't give a fuck, but bullshit shines like 1000 points of light. we know better but live almost life-like. context is everything. change. evolve monkey evolve. be more than just a monkey with drugs and guns. all monkeys run out of time. sleep monkey sleep. dream monkey dream.