i have time
ok, day
ok, so i am broken awake by the alarm after other unpleasantly groggy
awakenings. my head is heavy and slow. i lurch forward, turn off the
alarm. where will this day go away from me? why do i need so much rest,
both in sleep and from these days i'm in? i get to the bus stop, i'm
trying to read when i ride the bus these days, but usually i just rest on
the bus, become a simple farm animal being carted around. drifting in my
unthoughts. then i scurry to work. work is whatever, not very
meaningful. time, money. then i dally in getting home
i am breaking down. want to cut, kill myself, but somehow still be able
to experience information. my thoughts are garbled and ultimatelyl
insane. i think we all are random meaningless shits. i'm in an ugly
place. want to shower right now, but would make no difference and
just take up precious time. want to shave my head, again no real
difference. don't know of anything that would. cut myself, feel
better to bleed somehow. going to be more sick tomorrow, i can feel
it. wouldn't take a doctor to realize, need to sleep, but need more
to do SOMETHING. clean up my life. not waste time. wanted to throw
away the tv. fuck movies, mostly junk, no better than tv, but for
some ridiculously pretentious reason have a better rep than tv. our
lives are stupid crap, doesn't our entertainment reveal this to us.
an intellectual, but NOT merely academic pursuit feels like what i
need. i worry that my constant negative thoughts and physical
ill-trauma are going to give me cancer and die stupidly from spite.
want to be pure. want to make a computer program that could be me,
become my existence, absorbing information filterred through my
interests, what holds some meaning for me. then i could kill myself
like the moo cow each of us is. everywhere i go where people are i
want to start going "Mooo-ooooo" we are all herding ourselves
everywhere with vacuous intent. bang