love everyone
i'm not grasping what i'm supposed to be doing. not living like a dirty
animal. in a head full of a directionless evolution of a crass species.
(i was given the word crass by a crass, pointless man) take the i out of
it and one wonders where one is supposed to go with education, in life.
we perhaps look for a beautiful utility that performs something greater,
or at least more real, than ourselves. in a day i could want things.
in a day we experience fear. we are reacting with the world, but none of
us knows for sure what we are supposed to be doing. that is why we have
religions and ideologies; they tell us what to do. that is why we have
tv and food and alcohol and erudition; to give us something to swill
ourselves in. the world can be at peace, even with all these lackings;
but only so long as there is no judgement. but when there is judgement,
there is violence. both of offense and defense. i fear violence less
than the absurdity of its unutterably narrow judgement.
we like movies about wars that are won. we believe in
democracies that can be maintained in their narrow adherence to that
definition. we cannot believe in values that cannot surpass their
circumstances. why don't people ever blow up munitions plants, warplane
factories? are we here merely to defend ourselves from each other? no,
it cannot be worth it even to fight for peace. peace is not something
that is won; it is something that is achieved internally. our crime is
that we are too lazy and too dull in how we choose to pass our lives.
we believe in things for selfish petty reasons. we need to cut out our
hearts and live like flayed beasts, accepting abject love as punishment.
there is no god or authority to look up to, no, only other sad and lowly
animals in need of peace without conditons. at worst, one day we will
die and be free of this struggle having experienced at least some feelings
of goodness at some moment in our consciousness
into the abyss