i'm panicking at how unlived i am these years. i feel like i have lost parts of my life. i miss my past. i miss people i no longer have relationships with. i have no real friends anymore and i don't know what happened or how it happened. i tried searching for a few people from my life on the net tonight but was unable to find any traces of them. the past doesn't feel real. there is not enough evidence. i called a guy i used to work with. luckily it's a night job so he was there even though i am doing this at 3 in the morning. i've called old "friends" before and it is often awkward. i can't even keep up email with any friends at all. i have nothing to say and life is all the same. i would rather be an elemental force or star or something, just burning in one true feeling. i need tremendous things that are beyond my life. i invoke trajedy. i used to draw and have much proof of this. i could LIVE in those drawings, but i would not function. I AM FORCED AGAINST MY WILL TO FUNCTION IN THIS WORLD.

i have loved and have these strong love feelings that go beyond my relationship with suloni. these are deep childlike dream needs. they must be fulfilled or acted out or i will die. i tread water, using my drawings as life support...






i have big needs